Live music review: Madonna delivered a fiery show at Moody Center Sunday night

Was it just a fever dream, an acid trip, or did my friends and I catch Madonna’s Celebration Tour Sunday night in Austin, Texas at the new Frank Erwin Center, aka the Moody Center? After what I experienced April 14, I’d say it might have been all of the above.

Easy-breezy entry and off to our seats to get oriented and get situated. Friend one mentions how much fun she’s already having because of the excited energy in the venue and the decadently-dressed fans, while I’m thinking “why the fuck is it so hot in here?” We get into the bathroom line and I pull out my fan and start to notice all the other broads are sweating too. WTAF? I mention the temperature to my crew and a woman behind me in the line says, “Oh Madonna doesn’t allow the A/C to be running. There was a whole issue in Miami over it.” I chuckle and then ask, “What the fuck did you just say?” She repeated herself and now her words are sinking in for all of us. NO FUCKING A/C. Listen, I’m no statistician, but the median age of the crowd starts at 40ish which means the bulk of the crowd are entering or firmly planted into perimenopause and the rest of the crowd is probably in or inching into menopause. This Bitch thinks because her voice and muscles are sensitive after a recent hospitalization, that we all need to sweat to the fucking oldies with her? Uh-huh. No fucking way. Beyond thinking about me and my old-ass friends, I consider the crowd; drag queens, everyone in wigs and costumes, ADA fans, elderly fans and the like are going to be absolutely miserable. As an added middle finger to the concert-goers, the water coming out of the faucet is damn-near boiling. We head outside to cool off while we wait for Madonna to grace us with her presence. As expected, she didn’t take the stage until around 10:30 p.m.

Snugly in our seats and sweating with the increased heat and anticipation of what’s to come, Bob the Drag Queen kicked things off to amp the crowd and introduce Madge to Austin. Weeeeeee and we’re off!

Rolling into “It’s a Celebration” (Act 1) the heat in the room increases exponentially. At some point the acid kicks in and Madonna is talking about how we’re about to move through the stages of her life and how she became ‘Madonna’ and why don’t we understand that it’s a metaphor? A metaphor for what? The fucking heat, you goddamn Lycra Goblin??

As the show got progressively more trippy (this isn’t just the drugs talking) I started to notice that the production included a lot of Three Card Monte to move Madonna around without her having to dance and move herself around the giant stage. As she played through her 40 year catalog, I had to accept the off-tune medleys meant to keep her comfortably in her vocal range, when typically I’m not a fan of medleys. When you’re at a major Broadway show it’s acceptable, and that’s what this was, so I let it slide. I knew what I was getting into and fanned myself instead of dancing to pace myself. Y’all, this Bitch had the audacity to play “Burning Up”. Oh I see your little jokes Madonna. She took her rest during “Open Your Heart” as it was the perfect excuse to sit her ass down in a chair. BRILLIANT! Just like the video, while I’ve got sweat pouring off the back of my head and back.

In Act 2 the room heats up even more when a man-carousel pops up out from the floor and Gregorian chants kick-off ‘The Ritual’ before the music for “Like a Prayer” starts. It’s worth watching the clip above to check this shit out. It’s a giant, spinning carousel with half naked, beautiful-bodied-men doing yoga/gymnast moves. Ok y’all, this Bitch has the power to make all of us suffer, while hot men carry her around the stage, act as a bench for her, offer their shoulders to help her around the stage, and all the while the hottest dudes are stuffed onto a carousel for our amusement. I’m mostly here for it, aside from the heat that’s rising up from the depths of hell, where Madge clearly spends most of her time when she’s not touring. I’m not a religious person, but I do believe she made a deal with the Devil for her powerful 40 year career. She takes another break and the carousel disappears as an homage to Prince begins for Act 3.

During “Erotica” she didn’t even have to move her own arms, I mean, she’s got the movement and the motion where it appears that she’s dancing, but using Tai-Chi moves, she’s really not doing a lot of dancing, but her dancers killed it. Her dancers and the stage elevator that moved between platforms carried the weight of the show. Look, naysayers gonna naysay, but she’s earned the ability to let others work for her. It’s a helluva production. If you look at the setlist you’ll see that many of the songs are shortened and I’m pretty sure she didn’t even sing that much. Smoke and mirrors, baby! She’s a fucking Master at control and showmanship. She got molested by a Blonde Ambition Tour version of herself as the setlist took us to part of one of my favorite songs, “Justify My Love.” This was during a full-on orgy of sexy-bodied people wearing nude-colored outfits as she switches to a lil bit of “Fever”, because this Bitch has a sense of humor, as I fan myself for another two hours.

Act 3 ends with one of her kids playing the piano for her on “Bad Girl” and then jumps into Act 4 with my absolute fave, “Vogue.” Save your breath and key-strokes and don’t come at me with your Basic Bitch shit, I said what I said. That shit fucks hard and always has. She skimped it with a fashion show that another one of her kids was a part of, which is starting to kind of weird me out. Do they want to be a part of Mother’s production? Why does it seem so gross to me? Is it the acid? Is it the heat? Is it the need for another $4 water or $7 bottle of ice tea? Doesn’t matter, I’m literally glued to my chair with sweat and I’m not missing any of this insanity. Also, let’s assume it’s all of the above because my brain is baking.

Why the fuck is this fashion show still happening? Where’s my jam? Jesus, Madonna’s “Drums/Space” breaks are long and happening during the middle of my jams, for fuck’s sake.

Is her outfit amazing? Yes. Is it all still entertaining? Yes. Do I understand that the homage to Ballroom needs to happen because “Vogue” co-opted a scene that was dominated by black LGBTQIA folks in NYC in the 90s and didn’t get the proper recognition from mainstream ‘Merica (ie white folks) until recently? BIG Yes.

I was pleasantly surprised to get an abridged “Crazy For You” with Madonna walking around and singing to the “Human Nature” leather Catwoman bodysuit-cornrows-verion of herself. One of my friends was really impressed with how she showed her rise to fame in a better way than watching a tired-ass episode of VH-1’s ’Behind the Music’. I mentioned the movie the song was in, Vision Quest to my crew and nobody knew or remembered what I was talking about. Pepperidge Farms and Matthew Modine remember though. Props to Plano’s Telecable in the 80s and 90s for overplaying so many of these movies and videos, that they’re burned into my brain, like the hot-lava pouring off my body during this show. 

So I’m fanning myself into Act 5, when RINGS OF ACTUAL FUCKING FIRE appear on the stage. At this point all I can do is deliriously laugh. MADONNA, you crazy, fucking bitch! We sweatily morphed into her trippy Kabbala era as she tried to hypnotize us with her mumbly incantations from “The Beast Within” mixed with a little more of ‘Justify My Love’. She had a weird city witch style for “Die Another Day’”as I moved straight to hell right with Madonna thanks to the layers of fire on stage and the heat. It started to feel like a test of her power. Like a dude that pays for a dominatrix, we PAID FOR THIS SHIT. We wanted to be abused by Mother. Causing actual pain and suffering at a show is ballsy and slightly maniacal. But let’s give Mother her proper respect. 

Have I mentioned that air-conditioning is my favorite invention?

So many entertaining breaks and interludes, into “Bedtime Story” where Madonna laid on a box where her movements created the art of an animated VR-like video, right into a life altering “Ray of Light.” It was better than I could have ever dreamed. Her lasers burned into my soul and made me momentarily forget how fucking hot I was.

All photos by Jenna Wedgewood